Falling in love – why we choose the lovers we choose

My closest friends who have known me for many years – people like Tasha, Marie, Helge and Kamber – know that I have an absolutely ridiculous pattern of relationships. I oscillate severely between wonderful, caring, loving men and complete douchebags who shred me into little pieces…only for another loving caring man to glue me back together again after. All these years I have been doing this, I can’t seem to control and have only become conscious of it recently. Also – to be honest, I am getting pretty sick and tired of this rollercoaster-seesaw-bullshit. A while back in May I wrote a blog post called “The Nice Guys?” where I wrote:

“I want a nice guy. Someone who can be my best friend, who has the same values, ideals, dreams and sense of humour and makes me laugh (a lot). I want to be part of an awesome rock-solid team. I want someone who is caring, affectionate and patient, who is intelligent, tolerant and open-minded. Someone who doesn’t want or try to change me, but who supports me in growing and changing myself as I evolve. I want someone who makes me feel safe and will always protect me. I want someone who is calm and confident, who adores me above anything and anyone else but also respects my independence and need for personal space and does not smother me. In exchange, I offer to give all of this back.”

And yeah sure, 99.9% of us probably want this. But why do some people seem to find this with ease and others like me seem completely and totally incapable?

I stumbled across a book on Amazon that I decided to buy because it looked like it might be able to give me some insight into this little-ongoing-crisis-of-sorts-that-keeps-rearing-its-head…the book is called “Falling in Love – why we choose the lovers we choose” and is written by clinincal and social psychologist and couples therapist Ayala Malach Pines. I am currently at about page 150 of a bit over 200 pages – through most of the book and a lot of it is making sense to me actually, many times the realisations its bringing me are not the most pleasant and can be a bit painful (seeing stupid patterns and repetitive behaviour/ mistakes on my own part) – but from pain comes growth right? Or something like that?

For most of you who might not share my level of interest in psychology and my fascination with trying to understand not only my own own psyche but that of my fellow human beings this book might be a bit too academic at times, but its most definitely a great book on the subject for anyone who genuinely wants to try and understand.

ayala malach pines falling in love book For anyone interested – the book is available on Amazon – right here. It costs about £23 and is a solid 200+ pages of thick and heavy social and clinical psychology, research, case studies – but also intertwined with personal stories, examples, advice & recommendations at the end of every chapter as well as becautiful quotes, poetry and historical and mythological tales of love.

But as mentioned – if you do not work, study or have a very deep interest in psychology this book might be a tad heavy going, don’t let that put you off but you can’t say I didn’t warn you either. At least you’re not getting some soppy airy-fairy bullshit – that’s gotta be worth £23 right? It is to me anyway…

Moving on – please do note, this is a fully personal and genuine blog post and not endorsed by anyone in any way whatsoever before you jump to any conclusions.

Goodreads.com also says “Falling in Love is the first book to unlock the mysteries of how and why we fall in love. Renowned psychologist Ayala Pines shows us why we fall for the people we do, and argues convincingly that we love neither by chance nor by accident. She offers sound advice for making the right choices when it comes to this complicated emotion. Packed with helpful suggestions for those seeking love and those already in it, this book is about love’s many puzzles. 
The second edition furthers the work of the popular and successful first edition. With expanded research, theory, and practice, this book once again provides one of a kind understandings of the experience of love. The new edition offers updated references to recent research, new chapter exercises, and “case examples” of romantic stories to begin each chapter.”



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