One of my problems being a highly functional mental health patient diagnosed with depression, BPD and anxiety is that sometimes people simply don’t believe it’s real when I am having a bad day or a bad moment because I seem “so strong and happy and confident and totally fine” most of the time.
People don’t understand how much time, energy and effort goes into being so chirpy, gregarious and full-of-life 99% of the time. Sometimes I just feel drained and can’t do it anymore. In the past I used to never show this side of me to people, so no one really knew the “down me” or “tired me” existed. I would kind of go into hibernation until I felt better again. Nowadays as part of project-trying-to-embrace-all-of-myself-including-the-bits-I-don’t-like I’m trying to no longer hide this side anymore and I do try show it to people when I have a relapse.
Reaction? My absolutely wonderful boyfriend thinks I’m faking it and just “attention seeking”.
What is then the result of getting this reaction? I come to the conclusion that I need to go back to hiding it again. Bit of a catch here eh?
I have spent over 8 years in and out of various forms of therapy with 5 different doctors in 2 different countries. I have been on a combination of different anti-depressives for the past 5 years and am currently on the highest accepted dosage of Prozac. Most days I am actually fine, but other days I am still FINE (Fucked Up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.) as well.
I do think I am no longer in denial about needing the help and support I get from all this and it has taken me a lot effort over many years, it has involved a lot of self-harming, eating disorders and insomnia and some wonderfully supportive friends to reach this point and accept it in a constructive way.
Why do I now feel like I need to go back into hiding again?