Having reached that age where all my friends are starting to get married is a bit of an annoying thing. Mostly because everyone assumes I want it too and secretly can’t fucking wait to be tied down with a brick on my finger.
Here is a conversation I have probably every other week (with either men or women – some of these women even good friends of mine that I would expect better from):
Person: how long have you been with your boyfriend? When are you getting married?
Me: uhm a while, but no, don’t think we’re getting married. I’m not sure I want to, or he wants to, I don’t either one of us want to.
Person: Aaawww, come on, you’re just saying that now – as soon as he gives you a ring you’ll change your mind.
Me: I don’t think so, he can also just give a ring – he already has actually – everybody is different you know.
Person: Nah, trust me, deep inside you really want to get married – all girls do – as soon as he proposes you’ll totally change your mind.
Me: Well, in that case I guess I’ll find out…**awkward smile**
Person: **desperately looks for a new conversation partner**
So we now live in a world where we totally accept gay and lesbian relationships and couples – but we can’t believe or accept that a straight girl might not have it as her one-and-only ultimate life goal to get married? Really?
My Facebook newsfeed is full of engagement photos and close-ups of engagements rings of various sizes, shapes and colours (though mostly all in the same colourless colour), a selection of pregnant weekly bump-progress pictures, baby pictures and birth announcements… photos of people at weddings, professional wedding photos, first anniversaries being celebrated with photos of the wedding that was on my newsfeed a year ago…etc. etc.
I wonder how long it will be till my wider circle of friends and acquaintances hit the first divorce? I wonder who it will be?
Am I cynical? Yes. I probably am very cynical when it comes to weddings and marriage. I tend to think it’s all a big fat happy lie to make everyone involved feel better for 24 hours – maybe a bit longer, but not that much longer. I’m all for people living together, having children and being happy ever after – but do you really need to get married for that?
And I think this is thanks to a combination of reasons – but probably not purely limited to:
This I think is the main biggest reason: my parents had an awful marriage. Their marriage was literally soaked in unhappiness. Dripping unhappiness. As far as I can remember they hardly spoke to each other. When they did it was usually about who would drive me somewhere or pick me up from somewhere. The only time they pretended to get along was if either one of them has guests and then we’d all sit at the dinner table and dinner together pretending like this was a normal thing we did all the time. We did not. We never had dinner together. My parents also slept in separate bedrooms on different floors of the house. He would whine to me about her not understanding him. She would whine to me about him being weak and useless. They would both whine to their respective friends in my presence. As an only child, you often end up being a confidant to your parents and have no brothers and sisters to just be stupid kids with so you get to listen to lame shit. And no, I don’t think it was just harmless whinging and yes I was around 6-10 years old. I think at some point they agreed (for some bizarre reason) to get married and then felt trapped in it and genuinely hated it but were unable to get out – probably also thanks to the existence of moi. Whereas all along I would’ve preferred for them to have never been together in the first place. Luckily they often weren’t in the same house as my father travelled a lot for work so it was quite easy for them to avoid each other.
Sooo yeah, if that’s the beautiful state of being married…are you surprised I wouldn’t mind passing on it?
The second big reason: My Uncle & Aunt – now they are not married and have never bee married – and they have the most awesome, most beautiful, most amazing relationship ever. They are my absolute role model when it comes to relationships (and pretty much anything else in life). I do not know any other two people who love each other as much, would do anything and everything and go through fire for the other and are each others’ best friend. He will always put her first and she will always put him first. And they’re not married. They don’t need to be married. They have more happiness and love than 99% of married couples probably have and they do it all without a spectacle or a big show – no big dresses, rings or bullshit about last names – just pure love and all of the daily hardships, stresses, bickering and annoyances that come with it. Their shit is real.
Third reason: as I look around me, I see way too many people getting engaged and getting married for the wrong reasons. Things like: “we’ve been together so long, we might as well, it’s expected of us.” – Boredom/ Apathy. Or “if I don’t propose to her she is going to break up with me.” – Fear/ Blackmail. Or: “OMG, my sister and three of my friends are engaged, I can’t be the last one!!” – whatever that is? “I want to have the biggest wedding that everyone will remember and talk about” – are you on Gypsy Weddings?! – “I don’t really trust him, need to lock him down” – if you need to lock him down you’re fucked anyway. I don’t want to be one of these people, I would hate to be one of these people.
How can any of this be a good reason to get married?? Surely if you love someone so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, then you just go ahead and do just that: spend the rest of your life with them. Do you need to turn it into such a spectacle and a show? Is it really some kind of weird competition? What century do we live in where “all girls really want this” and I’m somehow not a “real” girl if I don’t want this? Stop telling me what I want and how I think. You don’t know what and how I think and you don’t know why.